Last week or so, I came across a viral voicenote of a guy who was bitterly complaining about his experience at Coldstone and I couldn’t help but weep because that shit has happened to me before. Shared it with Uche Briggs but I have to share it again with you guys.

“A month after I finished NYSC, I got my first job as a content and social media manager at an IT firm in Ikeja. It was a challenging job and all because I was new to it but I was glad as it was my first attempt at real employment. I was hyped and ready to challenge myself!

“The salary was not rich but I was contented because, after all, this was my first job and it was an upgrade from earning 19,800 from NYSC. It was not enough but ka saa ma dupe. So many people out there without jobs. Let me manage my change like that biko, e go better one day.

“My office was in a plaza very close to Ikeja underbridge. The plaza was a bit rowdy but hey, who am I to complain? Just do my job, get paid, trek to Ikeja along, and find my way home. Not much of a bad deal except for the stress from those “Pink Lips” guys at underbridge.

“Every day “Heisss, fine boy, pink lips, tattoos.” Ahan, alaye mi o se pink lips, EYWRN? Leave me alone, kilode? It was so terrible that most of the time, I have to walk fast just to avoid those ugly looking boys with black faces, tattoos and ridiculously pink lips.

“Passed that place one day with my mum and she asked me; “Kilode ti awon eleyi dabi ewure to ti enu bo elubo bayi???” Mummy, e wa, e ma je ki won lu wa nibi o, awon boys yi, won ya weyrey gaan. Awon omo computer village, won o ni respect o!

“I go to my office jejely, do my work, close and go home. End of the month, collect my cheque, deposit the money into my account. No issues with anybody. I never had reasons to pass my boundaries ooo. None at all, until the Devil decided to strike. Haaaa, o strike badly!

“Not much of an outgoing person. Fridays when I close work, I go to Bar Enclave, drink beer and eat Alex Barbecue turkey with some Twitter folks in Ilupeju. From there, I fire bike go house go sleep after buying takeaway Turkey barbecue for my family.

“This unfortunate day that I will never forget in my life, I was at work doing my thing, when PHCN struck. No electricity in the entire plaza and the Mikano generator won’t come on. So, all work for the day was grounded. I was hot and bored but there’s no alternative.

“As I de inside heat, pressing my phone, this lady walked into my office. She worked in a travel agency that was also in same plaza. We talk frequently, so it was cool. Apparently, her work was grounded too, so she came to gist with me in my office. No big deal, we’re chatting!

“After about 30 minutes of talking about Nigeria and electricity, she asked if I was hot and I said yes. That, ladies and gentlemen was the beginning of the day’s unfortunateness. If only I had said no, maybe I would not have put myself in this trouble.

“As soon as I said yes, she suggested; “Since we can’t even work now, how about we step out for some ice-cream?” Trying to sound bougie and all, emi omo Mushin, I said; “Oh, no shit, let’s do this. Good idea!” Nah, fam. It was a bad idea. A terrible one at it.

“In my head, I was thinking; “Ok, we take a stroll to underbridge and buy FanYogo, then come back to the office to suck nylon till the ice-cream turns to ice-block.” Didn’t know that aunty had other plans. I didn’t realize it was going to be bigger than that.

“Well, she said; “How about we go to Coldstone?” That was the first time in my life I heard that word. I mean, for someone who served an entire year in Kwara state for NYSC, when did the Fashola create Coldstone? This one must be new but no shit, let us go there! Haaaa……

“We set out. Took keke from underbridge to Toyin street. You know that Coldstone on Toyin street? Yea, that one. That was where I almost met my waterloo. All the while in the Keke, I was wondering why we had to go this far for ordinary ice-cream ooo… Hmmmm!

“How much de my pocket? #1, 250 or so with some 10-10 Naira notes. I did a quick maths. Keke to Toyin street = N50 x 2. Ice-cream, las las = N400 x 2. Keke back to underbridge = N50 x 2. Total = 1k. Use remaining change go house after work. Perfect date, iyalaya anybody!

“Issssorrai, Demola do your thing. We got to the place, fear first hook me. The place fiiiine dieee. Na there I come de reason say, as this place fine like this, you sure say the ice-cream nor go cost pass your budget? Devil whispered to me; “Calm down guy, nor wahala!” Ok o!

“We got closer and I was seeing the kind of cars that were parked outside. Honda Crosstour, Toyota Muscle, Honda Evil Spirit. Sebi it was at that point that I was supposed to know that this place don de pass my level but mumu me, MUMU ME, I was heeding the Devil’s advice.

“The babe was already talking about flavours. Make I nor lie, everything she was saying was not making sense to me. Talmbout; “What flavour will you like”, “Are you mixing?”, “You’ll like their signature flavour.” Ogbeni koshidanu, bo se n se e, ko lo n se mi…

“We got to the entrance, and the security opened door for us and said; “Welcome to Coldstone” while smiling. Na there the real shit hook me. Guuuuuy, they’re opening door for you because of ice-cream. Was it not there, I should have taken to my heels? No, overconfidence ti poju!

“MUMU Meeeee ooooo… I nodded at the guy as we walked in. My legs were trembling but I had to stay calm, so as not to disgrace my entire lineage. I suspected that I had bitten more than I could chew but I felt it is all just aesthetics, the ice-cream fit nor cost like that.

“So, we joined the queue. TBH, I was just looking at the ice-cream inside the showglass & it seemed the different flavours were screaming; “RUN, RUN, my niggah, RUN!” But hey, it was too late. Besides, how expensive can it be sef? Abeg, e nor fit cost. Las las 500 Naira, lobatan!

“It got to our turn. The babe started to place order. “Hi, let me have Chocolate and Cream with Waffles and Gummy Bears.” Dem begin pack the thing put inside cup. The ice-cream Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccc.

“While she was ordering, I was confused AF. I didn’t know what to order for a while until I saw Hennessy Flavour. Aha! 3 in 1. Lick ice-cream, cool down the heat and then still get high on top! Oh my, ‘Please, ba n ko ice-cream oni shayo.’

“I got the Ice-Cream. “Hello, ba mi fi epa si dear.” Dem pour am groundnut. Correct! “What’s that?” She say na Brownie. “Ok, put am.

“Dem put every on top. Ice-cream be looking like Ojubo Esu… Then, came the big moment. “Oh yea, you may now approach the counter for payment.” LMFAOOOOOOoooooooooo… Ara adugbo, e wa ba mi sukun.

“She started pressing the computer & it felt like she was pressing my destiny. The number was just going up and it seemed like she had no plans to stop. Haaaaa! Pim 1,300, Pim 2,500, Pim 2,800, Pim 3,100, Pim 3,500, Pim 3,800, Pim 4,200………. And she kept pressing.

“Haaaaaaaaa… Mo ti si ice-cream mu! I was now trying to remember if I prayed in the morning before leaving the house. You know I usually say the “Olorun ma je ki n pade alakoba” prayer every day. Be like the prayer angel for that day de off duty!

“Ogun akoba adaba leleyi ooo, lorii pe a fe mu ice-cream… Elo ni FanYogo nitori Olorun??? She finally said 4,800 is your bill Sir. I could not do anything but think about how that same amount would have gotten me like 50 litres of Fan Ice…Haaa, mo si ice-cream mu!

“I literally broke it down right there mentally… At @BarEnclave, Heineken meji = 800. Turkey = 400. One extra Heineken for the road = 400. Tip Zino = 200. Everything = 1,800. Haaaa… Mo ti se mistake… I entered “Her Thy None” state of mind immediately.

“LMFAOOoooooooo… My life flickered in front of me! How much is salary??? Elo ni mo n gba??? See ehn, I was already looking for Coldstone apron to wear. I can clean table well. In fact, I have a PhD in Waitership. E dakun, e saanu aje. Mi o ni se bee mooo!

“I can come and do internship here. Take this thing back plis dear. Well, to cut the long story short, I had my ATM card with me. I gave her the card and there goes my 8,500 life savings. O dun mi because I ignored all the signs from the beginning. Ori mi o pe at all.

“I have not even given her the card, GTB already deducted the 4,800. Awon eranko jatijati… I know that bank had been planning my downfall since the day I asked them to deactivate SMS because of monthly SMS charges. Won get mi…

“After paying, I felt my soul leave my body. Meanwhile, the babe was already digging into her ice-cream. No, my guardian angel forsook me that day. He left me to suffer in silence.

“We went to sit at the available space and the babe started chattering about how delicious the ice-cream was. LMFAOOOOoooooo… Sweet ice-cream come de taste like chalk for my mouth. I swore 100 Naira FanIce inside the confines of my office would have tasted better.

“TBH, I’m sure the ice-cream tasted great but the depression in my soul didn’t allow me enjoy it. I was just tasting Akamu wey Sugar nor de. A whole 4,800 just go like that because I wanted to form bougie…

“Halfway into the ice-cream, the babe now said; “We should have ordered Pizza o.” See ehn, it took god-level self control to not reply her because, in my mind, I was like; “PIZZA? PIZZAAAAaaa??? AEFBJN??? OFSRBRKN??? OYWRN???” You want to add to my sorrow???

“For like 1 hour, I was there taking the ice-cream bit by bit because, meeeeehn, I am not rushing this thing. I will take my time and enjoy the AC here. I must enjoy my money. I kept imagining the kind of soup my mother would have cooked with 4,800. I asked God for forgiveness!

“Small time, one Coldstone staff came to our table to clear it. She said; “Are you done?” Dooonnnneee??? Can’t you see that I still have ice-cream inside the cup? Can’t you see that? Do you know how much these cost me??? TBH, what was left in the cup nor reach one teaspoon.

“Eventually, we got up to leave. I almost took my empty cup with me because e too cost abeg! The Keke ride back to the office was cold and silent. I just de review my life choices and prayed to God that in my next life, I will make better choices.

“By the time we got to the office, dem don bring light. I just concluded that both PHCN and GTBank connived with my village people to set me up to suffer such a great loss. They planned it well. GTBank, PHCN, Village People 20 – 0 Demola.

“As we stepped into the plaza, the babe went; “Demola, thanks for today. We really should do this again.” LMFAOOOOOOOOooooooo… I struggled to smile but inside me, I was like:

“I was in the office. Depressed and downcast, I picked my bag and went home to sleep. Sleep of depression. My account balance nor reach 3k. LMFAOOoooooo… My mother came and asked if I was fine. ‘Ewo, mummy ka saa ma dupe, Esu l’agbara, ko ni’gbala.’

“Oro buruku, ko se f’enu so… Make I just swallow am like Panadol. I slept that night and it was from one nightmare to the other. Alakala ni shaaa… Woke up the next morning with mad headache and mild panic attacks. What a natural disaster!

“I got to work the next morning and guess who first came to my office? The witch, yes the witch. As I saw her, I immediately told her that I was busy. She asked if she could come later. I told her no, I will still be busy. Ko ko foken danu soun, amuni se Olorun. Nonsense!

“”dEmOlA, tHaNkS fOr YeStErDaY. wE ReAlLy ShOuLd Do ThIs AgAiN.” Oponu, you and who should do what??? Elenu tipiri bii Obo Maalu. Koshi soun jare! Mchewww!

“Thank God for how far we have come sha… I mean, there was a time we could not afford to comfortably buy Coldstone ice-cream but today, we can afford to buy the entire Coldstone franchise… Allhamdullilahi! If you believed that, you’re on your own oooo…”

Terrible experience, but thank God for ATM backup.

If not for God, I would probably be celebrating my 5th anniversary as a cleaner at ColdStone today but God said no, I have bigger plans for you.

I hope I made your day. Thanks for reading, ire oooo!